We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
I love how my cats smell like pot.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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