STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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