in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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