I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
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