Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
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