im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Randomize
