I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
