omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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