HIV tests are more positive than that guy
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Randomize
