sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
and eventually we just all took our pants off
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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