Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
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Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
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MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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