Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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