eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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