One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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