i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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