So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
