I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
