dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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