wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
