haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Houston, we have a blender
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
