im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
But break dance skills will only take you so far
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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