I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
