I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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