My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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