I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
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