life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
