Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
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