they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize