you have to choose: penises or morals?
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
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