Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
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