His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
