drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
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Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Randomize