The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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