believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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