Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
I wannas sexs uuuuu
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Randomize
