I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
