Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
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