it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
