I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize
