I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
