Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Randomize
