I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize