I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
