This is not my ceiling
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
