You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Randomize
