Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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