We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
