Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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