I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
