his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
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The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
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Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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