the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
