You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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