Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
