I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Randomize
