i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Randomize
