my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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