This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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