Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Randomize
